Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.

   If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

   The best thing about relationships is realizing the full level of batsh!t crazy you are capable of achieving.

   The way to a girl's heart is presents. The way to a woman's heart is presence.

   Without women, life would be a pain in the ass. If you don't get this, you're too young to be on Facebook.

   The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....

   I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."

   Be yourself, you already have the costume.

   I dreamed I had sex with my ex last night. I swear she ruins everything.

   Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that's trying to kill them.

   Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"

   You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

   After a long weekend without your phone, you learn what's really important in life. Your phone.

   Naked breakfast on the couch watching my shows. Gangsta's paradise.

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   Waking up this morning was a stupid idea.

   If I had a nickel for every time I banged your mom I could afford to bang her again today.

   People posting... "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?