m Funny Status Messages

   I logged all of my ailment symptoms into an online medical site and it has concluded that I died last Tuesday.

   Skeet shooting will be a popular way to do Christmas shopping once Amazon starts delivering packages with drones.

   The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

   I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.

   I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.

   My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.

   RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.

   n't out government great...now thay have decided to shut down because they can't all agree on how to spend the imaginary money that has not even been printed yet.

   The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   Some of the most anxious times in my life has been the time it takes a dropped knife to hit the floor instead of lopping off one my toes.

   High heels look best on a woman when the bottoms are pointing to the ceiling.

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.

   Apple is now making incontinence products for the aging American consumer... iPEED will be on your store shelves soon.

   There is an 80% chance that 4 out of 5 experts will agree on any given question.

   Ladies, the "honey do" list will get completed more completely and more enthusiastically if the last thing on the list is "get awesome BJ from wife."

   My wife says "YOU'RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.