flinnie Funny Status Messages

   My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."

   My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to have to get out of the car."

   I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

   "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

   Go shawty, it's a green light~50 cent in traffic

   Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence

   Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

   Adulthood is fun because by the time you're finally old enough to go out whenever you want you're too tired to do it.

   My wife wanted two cats but I am the man in this house so we got two cats

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club

   Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.

   Not really supposed to say anything yet, but… I joined Blink 182. Gonna take it in a super fun new direction.

   My favorite part about the Patriots cheating is it means they didn't have confidence in Brady's skill.