doc noland Funny Status Messages

   For every time a woman replies "fine" to you, you lose a day off your life.

   Settle down Cross Fit. Settle down. I just wanna lift weights not snatch smart cars.

   This year, I'm takin' candy from kids who have the most, to give to the kids too lazy to trick-or-treat themselves. Happy Obamaween. Merica.

   I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.

   I hate it when people make words come out of their mouths

   There may be a bunch of Princesses that follow me... But only one I'd fight dragons for.

   wanna have some fun? get in the van!

   I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.

   If you hold a beer glass to your ear, you hear joy.

   My forearm tattoo is just this Pringles can I cant get off my arm.

   Responsibility gave me the finger yesterday.

   *emerges from behind your shower curtain..... Hey what's this restraining order about silly?

   "Yes, I need to check in." "Sir, this is a burn unit." "Yeah, I got hit hard with a battle of the bulge joke about a month ago, and I still have no comeback."

   I just got stuck in my office chair, and now I'm breathing into a paper bag..

   I'm going to have a salad for dinner. And by that I mean a bowl of ranch dressing and a beer.

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   Ok I put a staple in my finger today. Don't do that. Its not give birth pain but its like shooting heroin without the tingle.

   I was going to stop drinking but hydration is super important. I'm doing this format wrong, aren't I?

   Thinking of starting a male version of the Red Hat Society. Come be a Purple Helmet with me, guys!

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.