andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.

   If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.

   Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit

   To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win

   I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.

   Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.

   Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."

   If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.

   Was there ever a time where secretly giving "bunny ears" in a photo was actually funny?

   The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.

   Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

   how long does it take possums to realize when one of them are actually dead?

   If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.

   Doctors only gave me three more months to live la vida loca

   My weekend mood fluctuates between “better get the lawn mowed before it rains” and “Hurry up and rain so I can’t mow the lawn.”

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are