Unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   "Your word is 'ouija'" -could you use that in a seance?

   just cracked open a book or as I like to call it "a beer"

   Promise me that when you leave Facebook, you guys will tell me where you're going, unlike that time you all ditched me on MySpace.

   As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes.

   People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing

   Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

   "For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties

   Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.

   I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.

   Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

   Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.

   The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

   WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride

   Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.

   Truth time: I've been cheating on my diet. With a younger, more attractive diet.