Scottyp Funny Status Messages

   The one thing that I'll never understand is women, tofu, yoga, and counting...

   Even if you don't believe in the Mayan calender, somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking "I wonder if that sh!ts for real".....

   It turns out Donna Summers lied, She Wont Survive....

   "Luke, I'm like totally your father. Party on." ~~Garth Vader

   In case anyone is wondering, it's 72 degrees and partly cloudy in India today. The only reason I know this is because I just had a pleasant conversation with a Customer Service rep from Bank of America....

   I'm convinced that whoever invented crack cocaine is also responsible for Samoa girl scout cookies. The similarities are too obvious to ignore...

   On-Star has made it so much more difficult for me to take my time when I'm robbing accident victims....:-)

   I wish I could find a drug dealer that could get me about 200 mg of Phuckitol.......

   Picking out an appropiate outfit for a Rapture is so frustrating....and I don't even want to get into picking the right accesories...

   I've been invited to a Post-Rapture looting event but I replied "Maybe attending" because I've also been invited to a Judgement Day event and I need to see how that goes before I decide for sure....

   The cops came at my house last night and told me my dogs had been chasing someone on a scooter. I told them off. My dogs don't even have a scooter..

   I slept like a baby last night,,,,of course minus the peeing and pooping on myself.......

   I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????

   Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.

   Cats are really not all that bad...................It turns out, I've been cooking them wrong this whole time...

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   It seems I have 3 personalities. One that has a plan, one that completely screws up the plan, and one that says "what the hell happened to the plan?"......

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow--I am just going to shut down...

   Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery

   Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I'm wearing a wire. One of the two