Psycho Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.

   I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.

   Free middle fingers for everyone!!!

   A cop pulled me over this morning but let me go. Maybe these man boobs aren't all bad after all!

   You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"

   [Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

   How much for the angry lawn gnome? Hey, that's my toddler.

   Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.

   Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That's really not necessary

   [breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now

   If I stalked you any harder you'd be a missing person by now.

   In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

   A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?

   Got tasered at speed dating again.

   Nice try, but you're not getting rid of me that easily.

   I'll stop being creepy when you stop sending me telepathic messages that you secretly want me.

   People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.

   Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions