Nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   Why do your friends always wait until you breakup with someone to tell you that they thought they were ugly?

   Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.

   Advice to remember: when people say, "Word to the wise," they generally mean, "Word to the stupid."

   Today's fun: Knock on random doors and say, "Hi, my name is Current Resident, and I've been told you're the jerk who has been opening all my mail."

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, speak of, mention, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.

   Currently pondering.....for a very curious monkey, why couldn't George ever figure out the name of the man in the yellow hat?

   I love babies wearing sunglasses. They are like little tiny, blind jazz musicians.

   I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.

   I wish giants existed because watching them walk into telephone wires would be entertaining.

   Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?

   If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.

   I'll never judge or insult you because of your beliefs. I'm just kidding idiot.

   Screw Olmpic soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I'd go watch old security tapes of me sitting at the bar.

   I think Facebook should have a status limit per day. This is not Twitter, shut the f*ck up, nobody cares.

   I think it's impossible to play the Wii without looking like you're competing in a relay race for the Special Olympics.

   Just finished everything that I had on my To Do list for today which was just a drawing of a set of boobs on a Post It note.