Nobody Funny Status Messages

   Never apologize for your greatness but more importantly, never over-exaggerate or fabricate your own greatness.

   Don't let your past tell you how to live your present and future!

   You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.

   Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.

   What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?............ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

   Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY - who says you can only lose it once?"

   Monday must be male. It always comes too fast.

   I wanna apologize for my behavior yesterday. I take allergy medicine and you're not suppose to mix it with 16 shots of tequila

   The world is not full of a$$holes. BUT, they are strategically placed so that you are sure to bumb into at least one every day.

   You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

   I would say that one day you'll be working for me, but I don't have any intention on running a strip club.

   You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."

   I will always cut through a gas station parking lot to avoid a red light.

   One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

   I want to explore every inch and curve or your anatomy; I want to become fluent in YOUR body language.

   I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.

   When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."

   Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.

   Mosquitoes are just vampire flies.