Mick Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?

   I may be crazy, but I'm not, "Of course I'd lease an office in the new One World Trade Center" crazy.

   I paid $12.50 for movie tickets. Forget that the people are noisy, the popcorn and drinks are overpriced, and the movie itself stinks....I wanna know why there was no cartoon.

   "You know, I wish I'd never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo

   If the temperature is 94°, yet it feels like 106°, then as far as I'm concerned, it's 106°...which explains my breaking all speed records in getting this ice cream home before it melts.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.

   Jameis Winston did NOT steal those crab legs intentionally. He is so into football, that he felt sorry for the shellfish, and merely thought he would do the right thing by putting them on injured reserve.

   If v-a-g-i-n-a-s weren't meant to be kissed, they wouldn't have lips.

   PETA is after me. I made Tuna Fish Soft Tacos. I used Dolphin-Safe Tuna, but All-Porpoise flour. THAT'S FUNNY...SHADDAP!

   Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   To me, the Poke feature is a litmus test to weed out the easy going girls from the uptight Medusa types.

   I'm at work. So if I don't answer you on fb chat, it means I'm not that busy but I've got a great excuse to not respond.

   I've been embarrassed by my weight since, I dunno...it was first listed on my birth certificate.

   A woman who was shopping at my store today called me a "Living Doll"..okay she actually called me Chucky, but.....

   When we're chatting on fb, and I start saying things like, "well, okay", "gotta run", "have a great day", it was great talking to you"...what that means is: SHUT THE F**K UP ALREADY!

   Yes, I'm in a complicated relationship. Trying to decide which hand to use makes things more difficult than you can imagine.

   Checklist: Poke People ✔ Delete People ✔ Block People ✔ Send Friend Requests ✔ Accept Friend Requests ✔ Ignore Chats ✔ Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ✔....Morning chores all done.

   I don't care what friend facebook suggests. I'm not poking McDonald's.