Michael Funny Status Messages

   BREAKING NEWS - House Speaker John Boehner announced that he will not stand in the way of a Senate resolution to end the government shutdown leaving millions of Americans asking, "When did the government shutdown?"

   Sooooooooo.... Since the NSA isn't watching right now, I can say whatever I want.... right?

   This shutdown seems to be bringing out the inner-retard in everyone.

   John Boehner and Harry Ried get into a feminine slap fight complete with hair pulling and name calling on the steps of the Capitol. See it tonight at midnight on the season finale of "The Government"

   "Would you like anything else?" What I said - "A little bit of mayo, please". What the Subway Sandwich Artist heard - "A wholesale club sized jar of Helmann's, put it all on one side, and make sure it all squeezes out when you wrap it up."

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro's neck.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro confirms that he is a swinger.

   "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because "Slowly Falling Into Crack Induced Alcoholic Depression" just doesn't roll off the tip of your tongue.

   Scientists officially confirm the discovery of Element 115. Great, now I'm going to have to get my Periodic Table tattoo redone.

   Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved!

   all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.

   Just watched Miley Cyrus' VMA performance on YouTube... I'm on my way now to the health department to get tested for herpes.

   Convicted Amy private Bradley Manning wants to live the rest of his life as a woman. At 5'2" and sporting that purdy little mouth, I doubt he's going to have a hard time being a woman while he's behind bars.

   Eagles wide reciever Riley Cooper has been excused from all team activities so that he can go attend a cooking class with Paula Deen

   The person who coined the term "terrible twos" clearlny never had a child that lived past 2, which is good because if they though 2 was bad, they would have lost their $hit with a 4 year old.

   The baby's name is Prince George. Great! Now what do you all say we stop talking about it until he grows up, puts on a Nazi costume, and gets naked in Vegas?

   In light of Dutchess Katherine going into labor Kanye West would like to remind everyone that his baby already has over 100 pairs of shoes.

   I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.

   The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?