Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Sending us to the couch is not as bad as you think it is ladies. It makes us feel manly... like we're camping... with an angry bear nearby.

   Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed yo midunderstanding you.

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.

   Lamar Odom is missing and is a crackhead. Let that be a lesson guys, NEVER date a Kardashian.

   I wonder how long it will take for the Adult XXX 'Hannah does Montana' video series to come out?

   If you are a dog catcher and don't have a "pug life" tattoo you are doing the whole life thing wrong.

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   I want you all to know that this will be my last joke on here because I am going to die at midnight tonight as a result of not forwarding chain mail.

   Bored at work? Put some habanero hot sauce in the office ketchup bottle. Still bored? Pour it in the office coffee pot.

   I am Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad.

   Her: "Do I look, like, fat?" Brain: no, no, no, no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING. Mouth: "Like a fat what?" Brain: Oh dear God

   I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It's fun."

   My coworker sent me an email that said "Meat me in the breakroom." I thought it was a typo until I saw her standing there naked.

   If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.

   When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   I've been hearing how nowadays 16 and 17 year old couples be spending the night at each other house. I'm not sure how y'all parents are but mine didn't play that sh*t.

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.