Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   I'm such a giving person; if cannibals were cooking me, I'd give them tips on how to make me more tender.

   Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about the damn Kardashians.

   Forget North Korea and America, the next nuclear war will be between your lips and mine...tonite.

   I’m so glad I found you in all this wreckage of a planet.

   I think i'm in pizza with you.

   Told my dealer I wanted a sh*tload of Coke but auto-correct changed it to shipload now I owe a Colombian cartel 18 million dollars.

   I can’t control you're being an idiot, but I can control whether or not you’re on my friends list.

   What doesn't kill you get arrested and most likely post bail.

   Walking away from a senseless arguments, makes sense to me!

   My safe word is "eww."

   Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars.

   How many times do you need the same person to piss in your mouth before you figure out urine doesn’t taste good?

   After sex, I've the same problem as a murderer; what to do with the body.

   Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.

   You say alcohol abuse, I say this alcohol is getting exactly what it deserves.

   My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.

   Don't text and drive. You don't want "lol" to be the last thing you say before you die.

   What if you just started licking the dentist fingers while they were in your mouth.

   After I do something I compliment myself in my mind using the voices of people I know.

   If you can't be manipulated, you're not in love.