KAREN Funny Status Messages

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   I'm not wrong very often but when I am it's his fault.

   I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.

   Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist

   I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

   My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and they’re like, hey who is your hot friend.

   When I said I was good in the kitchen, I assumed you meant being bent over the dishwasher.

   Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.

   My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

   I stepped right out in front of a smart car just now. I wasn't scared. A collision with my ass would destroy that thing.

   I wish boobs did the bra thing without having to wear the bra

   You make me want to be a better class of psycho.

   I am the most dangerous/damaged when I'm quiet. When I'm yelling or b*tching there is still hope.

   The secret to success is in my bra.

   Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.

   I bet people at my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

   Every pair of panties can be a thong if your ass is hungry enough.

   So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?

   I'm just a girl, standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.

   My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.