Joser Funny Status Messages

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.

   Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   Have you ever had your tea iced? .. Your welcome

   I had 99 problems but I took one down and passed it around.

   The best part of being a pedestrian is walking over the hood of the car of the person who stopped right in the middle of a crosswalk.

   OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.

   I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

   Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

   I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   it 1 tap or 2 to request toilet paper from the next stall?

   hold tight to your most precious joys; make memories, laugh a lot, love more, give & accept lots of hugs because it could all be gone in the blink of an eye

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   F to the you to the C to the K pretty much sums up my day

   Let's just call the iPhone what it really is: The Toilet Book Pro

   Hey, someone finally won! Celebrate irresponsibly.