Goober Peas Funny Status Messages

   If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.

   Its all fun and games until the K9 unit shows up and they tell you to pop open the trunk ツ

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   I won't rest until I find a cure for this darn insomnia! ツ

   Healthy Marriage Tip #43: Apologize for the dream your wife had about you. Yeah, I know... apologize anyway ツ

   I'm a passionate supporter of things that don't inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort ツ

   I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? ツ

   Well, it's looks like a, 'brush my teeth on my shirt sleeve and head to Walmart' kinda day ツ

   Boy, if it keeps snowing, someone's gonna haveta shovel the darn driveway. I think I'll text her ツ

   Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ

   Opportunity only knocks once. If there's any more than that, it's prolly a Jehovah's Witness ツ

   What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ

   My love for bacon is kinda like diarrhea... I just can't hold it in ツ

   Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ

   iPhone Users Warning: Texting someone that you want to kiss them under the 'mistletoe' takes on a whole new meaning when auto-corrected to 'cameltoe'. FYI ツ

   You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch and you're not even reading this anymore are you...

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter... C'MON MOM, KNOCK IT OFF! ツ

   ‎"Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Uhhh... 'cause you've got white stuff all over your butt." ~ Guy who's really bad at pick-up lines ツ

   I just seen a place advertising pink wipers. Personally, I don't care what color they are as long as they don't start gagging and call me disgusting like my last wiper did ツ

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ