GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   There. Summer is over. Hope you're happy you pumpkin spice loving psychos.

   It's finally October! Which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.

   If one door closes and another one opens, your house is haunted and you need to run.

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.

   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   I swear all I do is work, come home, blink, and then I'm back at work again.

   It's amazing how Facebook can spot a fake post but can't spot a fake profile.

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.

   Post the four words every girl wants whispered in her ear.

   I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I remember when this was all farmland.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.