BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   911 what’s your emergency? Me: My Wife keeps pointing a flashlight at me!! 911: How is that an emergency? Me: It’s attached to her gun!!!

   The best part about walking in the rain with your significant other is they don't know you're peeing.

   If you find me sharing your status updates, chances are I'm doing it sprawled out naked on a leopard print rug while listening to The Flame by Cheap Trick.

   I've been playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds and so far all I've won is a double chin and 3 heart attacks

   If you've never manually separated your butt cheeks to amplify a mediocre fart into a fantastic one, we could never be real life friends.

   My animals are staring at me like I am the bacon messiah

   I stood outside the women's restroom at a restaurant for 40 minutes today reminding ladies to wipe front to back...... Because it takes a village.

   I just used the phrase "dilly dally", so I'm looking into retirement homes now.

   Wanted to 69 with a hottie in Canada, but I couldn't figure it out with the exchange rate and metric system. So instead I've been jerking off while yelling "USA, USA!!" in the business district in Montreal instead.

   I hope they have strippers at my funeral.

   Are raccoons supposed to be inside or outside cats?

   I just ate a pudding cup without a spoon (In case you want to lift me up like Simba and present me to your people?).

   Alcohol only kills off the weakest of brain cells

   Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh it, I'm pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.

   I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle?

   A good woman knows her limits...... A wise woman knows she has none."

   I'll bet Anthony Weiner's babysitter's mom is pretty freaking creeped out right now.

   All my status updates should be read in that hollow "affect-less" voice of a man with nothing left to lose.

   To the two former Facebook "Friends" who just un-friended me: It was the status about throwing kittens in the lake right? They all had life jackets on..... They are safe & now drying in my microwave.

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning