@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

   Why I hate House Hunters. Amy is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Abe manages a Taco Bell. Abe: Our budget is $4 million

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   driving to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

   Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

   The opossum, skunk, squirrel and groundhog saw their shadows today, but didn't see the .🚚 that smashed them on the highway

   It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south.Hurricanes & tornados, people still go to work, Snow, deserted streets and empty grocery stores.

   My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   President Trump should act more presidential. Instead of ignoring reporters, he should do what our current president does, and BANS THEM from the press conferences..

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   Once you go black, that frost bitten toe's gotta come off

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.