Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh look at this! You're so slow it takes you almost 12 hours to come up with a comeback. Unbelievable!

   Look in the mirror. Urghhhh!!!

   GaryKoenig, please, for the love of God STOP, you lame asshole.

   Members of Generation X have no definable traits other than being responsible for breeding the misguided Generation Z whackoffs.

   If everything tastes like us, then why do we have to die? –Chickens

   to the lady with all the hot selfies who claims she could steal my husband if she wanted... I will have him ready for you at 3

   Question, Does the term don't drop the soap in jail apply to women prisons?

   If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.

   If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.

   Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.

   It turns out as you get older you don’t actually figure anything out, you just don’t have the energy to care anymore.

   Whoever is controlling me at this game sucks ...

   Today's tip: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to social media?

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with all the eyes cut out.

   Cheer up! Someone somewhere is thinking about me naked.

   Rectal Grease complained to HR and now we’re not allowed to use nicknames at work anymore.

   Why do we change positions when it’s the same hole? I don’t understand golf at all.

   I've ordered and returned the same boomerang on Amazon for over a year now.

   I have an open door policy at our house. You bring beer and I'll open the door.