Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gonna be honest here since the world is ending: "Sailing" by Christopher Cross makes me emotional.

   Boring Apocalypse thus far. Seems like Ryan Seacrest should be hosting a "2012 A-Rock-Alypse Eve" show from Times Square or something.....

   It would suck if the world ended tomorrow simply because Jersey Shore's last episode is tonight!! No more Snookie!!

   Did you ever wonder if aliens secretly film people having sex, then make them into boring nature shows to show their kids on the Human Planet channel?

   Every time I'm with you, I feel like I'm in lord of the rings cuz you're my precious

   I think they should move the movie "2012" from the Science Fiction section to the Comedy Section.. It is already 21st of December in Australia and nothing happened.

   I know I can go to NAPA to buy truck nuts... But where can I go to get my Prius vajazzled ??

   I saw an ad on craigslist today that said “free firewood,, you collect it”.. So I wrote the guy and said “Bud, you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   My coworker, a Jehovah's Witness,, wouldn't attend the Christmas luncheon.. She took her bonus check though,, Maybe she's donating it to her church.

   Note to all my FB Friends: As we all know, the end of the world will be tomorrow. So with that being said.... I think you are all a bunch of idiots!

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   The police man in my area is so rude. So I'm speeding. What's the big deal? How I'm supposed to drive a stolen car?

   If office printers weren't meant to fly they wouldn't have paper jams.

   Dear Santa, Please define good.

   Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.

   I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.

   Walmart. The only place in America where you can buy shrimp and underwear in the same store.

   Problems in your relationship? There's a blow job for that.

   I hate it when I don't have someone to do in the morning.

   I always give 110% at everything I do. Mostly because I'm not very aware of how percentages work. Math is hard.