Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I survived the Mayan Apocalypse and all I got was this lousy hangover.

   Does anyone know what an 'Ofah Queue' is? Because that's what my husband said he got me for Christmas this year.

   "extra cheese" should be the average amount of cheese on everything.

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

   If we can afford to have armed guard for our money at the banks, surely we can afford to have armed guards for our kids at schools. Where are your priorities people?

   wondering...is it ironic to call a hug at the end of the first date the "kiss of death"?

   there an article somewhere online about how to tell your cell phone it only has a few days left to live?

   Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.

   I hate it when you wake upon mid-dream, and don't get to find out what happens next.

   I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!

   If I was a terrorist I'd want 100 sluts instead of virgins in the afterlife. I don't want to be a "disappointing first" for that many women.

   What does 'Serious Misconduct' mean Is it fun? It sounds like fun Anyways, HR want to discuss it with me.

   I see your narcissism and raise you Vaingloriousness!

   Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?

   I don't leave any room for error, I make mistakes in whatever room I'm in at the time.

   I like my men like I like my ice. Crushed and melts away within a reasonable time so I don't have to deal with it.

   Yes I'm that a$$hole who refuses to stand up and clap in a room filled with people standing and clapping.

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   I'm like a kid in the candy store when I shop for my x-mas presents at the liquor store.

   just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour