Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I say I'm done with a facebook chat, that doesn't mean you can keep typing for another 20 minutes. It means I'M DONE CHATTING!

   i had a dream this guy apologized for everything, and then I woke up and put bird seeds in front of his building

   The absolute best way to get revenge is to sit back and watch while people destroy their own lives just by being themselves.

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you'd never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else's phone. Ever.

   Facebook is the best way to prove that you made the right decision when you broke up with that person you dated in high school.

   I smile politely when someone bumps into me while texting on their phone because I respect their right to ignore the world.

   I once bought shoes in China that said “made around the corner”

   You say “I'm sorry,” I hear “I surrender.”

   Fact: zoning out is your brain's way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I met a girl last night who had Ed Zachary disease. Her snatch smelled Ed Zachary like her a$$...

   last night this guy c ummed in his pants when we were just making out.. Epic fail

   if you use your x-box to workout, you realize your house smells like a$$, don't you??

   Guess I can take the mistletoe off my belt buckle now.

   The reality is men have no idea what women want... and women have no idea what women want

   Just took some cough syrup. I made that scrunchie face and shook my head just like I was a little kid.

   Up to this year, there's a reality T.V. show about everything except reality.

   I wish nude pics had a self-destruct option when you break-up.

   My wife crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory

   If you're gonna tell me a story that invokes the phrase "robbed a sex shop" you have my full attention...

   the weatherman is predicting some frosted flakes in the morning...he better mean breakfast