Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up... Unbelievable...

   I'm not sure who told bald guys they were required to have goatees, but they all fell for it.

   Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   Dear douchebags; Take care of your Ladies, or some A**hole like me will sure do it for ya!

   My niece and nephew are my choice of birth control. 100% effective.

   "I must say the end of the year has kinda dragged on without new episodes of 'HERE COME HONEY BOO BOO!' every week"

   Shout Out to the Kids in the Projects that left some Milk & Cookies out for Santa but the Roaches got to it first.

   364 shopping days 'til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.

   the older you get, the better the binge...

   Can't believe i've made it all week without stabbing anyone in the neck with a pencil...

   says: Well, everyone was dreaming of a white Christmas and well, we got it... Just on a side note - I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU DREAMERS. NOT IMPRESSED AT ALL!! :(

   Oop's just dropped my nuts!!

   It's the end of the year, as you know you have to spend all your Flex Spending Account Funds or lose them. Here's a list of the procedures I am thinking of having done... Mustache Implanting, Sideburn Bedazzling, Sun-visor Implant, & Eyeball Swap.

   A friend told me "I think your brain is 80% movie clips." Without knowing what to day I started quoting Dumb and Dumber....AND TOTALY REDEEMED MYSELF!!

   n't it about time The Kardashian's have an STD Named after them ?

   This man's so impressed with my driving that he got next to me just to show me he's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger..

   I want all my family and friends here in N.Carolina to show your support for all our friends up north and join me for a "BLIZZARD" at dairy queen

   According to my wife, if farting was a crime, I'd be on death row.

   I'm re-enacting Titanic today, I'm at the part where Jack is in his underwear on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

   Wanna have crooked green teeth? Move to the UK, you wont be out of place there