Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CDC ~ Center to deceive and control.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

   I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

   A termite walks into a bar and asks where's the bar tender?

   The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

   Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

   a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken I just ate in the parking lot.

   What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Corn Pop?

   I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

   Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

   I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

   What you just said, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.

   I don't approve of poll-little-cow jokes, I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

   Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.

   The imbecile underneath this couldn't come up with a clever retort, so he stood on my shoulders and a f00l of himself in the process.

   I find it hilarious how adults parrots these childish insults about other people. I guess they hate adulthood and want to be children again.

   Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in: I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

   Every day Stephen King and I both: 1. Get up 2. Terrify People 3. Tweet