Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In China, forklifts are called chop-stick lifts.

   Sold my homing pigeon 142 times last year on eBay.

   Has lost my mood ring, and I don’t know how it feels.

   Just pulled on a nose hair and one of my pubes disappeared.

   I hate when we go on a weekend trip and my wife forgets to pack her vagina.

   If she spits on her hot-dog before eating it, you are in for a treat my man.

   Jeremiah was and still is a bullfrog, but he has never caught a rabbit and he certainly aint no friend of mine.

   Five years investigating Trump’s taxes and Biden owes 500k. Lol

   What I learned from Gilligan's Island: You can go camping for five years wearing a pair of white pants and they will still look brand new.

   If my call is that important to them, why do I have to listen to Air Supply for 20 minutes before they answer?

   I support full facial nudity.

   If somebody has a 50 gallon barrel for rainwater please PM me, but I'm not going to pick it up because I don't need it.

   I had a dream that I got a job with Lynyrd Skynyrd, and then I woke up. I didn't even make it to my first live show.

   it me, or does Mike Lindell look like Paul Bearer from WWE?

   I spend 90% of my time online waiting for password reset emails

   Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

   If I have to wear a mask to protect your health, I’m gonna slap that McDonald’s outta your hands too.

   Are the double maskers going to start yelling at the single maskers?

   Bacon is the highest it’s ever been, car dealerships have no new vehicles, 200,000 houses are now 450,000 and grocery store shelves are empty half the time. Things are going so well right now. Thanks, Joe.

   “Buy a man eat fish, the day, teach man, to life time.” ~ Joe Biden