Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   People up north whine way more about cold winters than we Floridians do about the hot summers. It may have something to do with feminine swimwear.

   On Facebook, never judge a woman by his profile picture.

   I saw a Kenny Loggins "Christmas Time Is Here" CD in the discount bin. I looked at the track listing on the back and was disappointed not to see "Highway To The Manger Zone".

   What's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White? Paul Walker got to 100 before he died.

   If I die at the gym while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911.

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?

   6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Root beer with a fork* [6:50] I'm a fork and I'm drowning !!

   If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

   Alls I'm sayin is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans.

   Best one liner in 2022 so far: "What a moron...Jesus Christ!".

   If you get a loan at the bank you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.

   If you've never stubbed your toe on a sock. You've never been in a teenage boys bedroom!

   I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison.

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own farts.

   my husband embraced me tightly and inhaled deeply because I smelled like icy hot. this is how we flirt now.

   Fashion in the 90s either looked like you hadn’t showered in weeks or like you were Tinkerbell. There was no in between.

   I tore my ACL at the Sizzler buffet

   eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.