Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise.

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

   I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

   This joke was sent from the iPhone 5 I'll be buying in a few months using Apple's new 'Time Travel' feature.

   Just bought a 12 pack and this first beer is the best beer I've ever had, but I better drink these other 11 to make sure...

   Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."

   I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.

   I don't get the whole "half baked idea" thing....I prefer to be fully baked when I come up with my ideas.

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What!? I took an oath!

   Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.