Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the ATM printed out the receipt showing my account balance, I really don't think the LOL at the end was necessary.

   My signature move is pulling up my pants with a police flashlight shining in my face.

   With Valentine's Day a week away does anyone know of a good Cemetery I can get flowers at .....??

   Instead of the silly names the weather channel has chosen, they should pick names of infamous scam artists like Bernie Madoff who pulled off really good snow jobs.

   kind of liking the new ads on Facebook!! said by no one...

   It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!

   So... You don't hunt or fish, yet you buy camo and say you're country?? Hmm, maybe confused is a better word.

   Dear lord thankyou for these noodles i'm about to eat, ramen

   I may not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

   I think I'll score with the girl I met today. She told me I was very offensive!!

   There is no polite way to suggest to someone that they have devoted their life to a folly.

   Learn From Your Parents Mistakes - Use Birth Control. Only a fool makes a mistake twice.

   My girlfriend kept going "Ssshhhhh!" during sex, last night. I think she might have a puncture

   I'm not saying my wife's a fat b*tch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.

   Women sleeping in Bras... Nice try Hollywood.

   The only reason I've made it this far in life is because I have the Hyrule Field theme song from Zelda playing on repeat inside my head.

   I don't have issues... I have an entire subcription... jest sayin

   Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.

   May the groundhog perish in the 2013 Nor'easter!

   Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.