Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

   Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

   If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can predict the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did that, said "Oh I'm gonna die" and then did.

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   Why can't we let Kyle Rittenhouse go and put the Prosecutors in Jail?

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   The only way Kyle Rittenhouse loses his case is if the judge allows the jury to mail in their verdict

   30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

   STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.

   Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.

   Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...

   State Farm is hoping no one will notice when they replace Aaron Rodgers with a black guy.

   All I'm saying is, you don't see many face tattoos on Jeopardy!

   Okay we get it 50-something washed up bar sl~ts. No need to post pics every other day feigning you're having a good time at some boring nightclub.

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.