Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.

   I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.

   it rude to ask a guy if he is Pregnant?

   Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A. Whichever of the two was male.

   By the time I manage to actually say my safe word, only dogs can hear it.

   If my cat could talk I have a feeling it would tell me "stop talking to me crazy woman and go get laid"

   Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to my X-girlfriends house?

   I hate when I'm singing and people join in. B*tch, this aint glee.

   Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!

   Fun thing to do #78 When you order a Coke and the waiter asks, "Is Pepsi okay?" shout "WHAT AM I, AN ANIMAL?"

   Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein's forehead would have been far less noticeable.

   Maybe guys should start drawing on their mustaches like women draw on their eye brows.

   Some say Jesus was black. I don't know if that's true or not, but that would explain why it's taking him so long to come back.

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to not be a douchebag.

   I bring a broom with me whenever I go to Walmart so I can clean up all the white trash.

   With all the meat related revelations of the past week, I'm waiting in anticipation to hear the truth about Mrs Balls Chutney.

   My favorite Transformer is the one that transforms from a hoe into a housewife.

   I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

   I've had pizza boxes stay in my life longer than some women.

   We could do this the easy way, or we could get married.