Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The “thank you wave”after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is one thing holding this fragile society together

   Her: "I always like YOUR posts, how come you never like MY posts?" Me: "Because I don't like your posts."

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles are 50 years old. The first WOKE cereals ever.

   I hate when my wife corrects me,so I said to her "Sarah I want a divorce" she responds with "my name is Debbie"

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   i love how everyone is like "I'ma take this to the next level" meh most of you could get past level 1-2 in Super Mario Bros.

   Technology will cause our ultimate demise. After mankind destroys itself, the dawn of a new civilization will consist of its early inhabitants creating music by banging bones on logs and blowing their breath through hollow reeds.

   "Remove frozen pizza from box and plastic wrapper before placing in oven." (Oh wow, thanks, Red Baron instructions. I don't think I would have known to do that.)

   Sorry about that - Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

   Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

   A friend rubbed tomato ketchup on his eyes.In Heinz sight , it wasn't a good idea.

   Omicron is an anagram for Moronic. They are straight up messing with us at this point.

   Oh, so you're preparing turkey again for Christmas? Twice in one month. Kudos to you. I'm overwhelmed by your imagination.

   If you haven't hit a woman, then you obviously haven't dated a woman who had to be hit !

   All the smart people sold their soul for knowledge.

   I wonder how much it cost to pay off Michigans referees

   Have you ever looked at someone and thought 'shut the hell up'... and they weren't even speaking...

   A drink called KenoshaKid - what's it made of? A chaser followed by three shots.

   For extra cash, consider robbing sex offenders. Their addresses are easy to find and they can't own guns.