Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

   Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything looks like a Summer's Eve commercial.

   Twenty shootings in Chicago over the weekend. Sure signs that nothing has changed in Chicago despite the pandemic.

   When I said I'd do anything for you I meant fight bad guys or slay dragons...not vacuum or do the dishes.

   I got thrown out of the park for arranging all the squirrels by height. Apparently they didn’t like me crittersizing them.

   *me filing for unemployment* Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours Me: so you’re only open 4 hours Unemployment Office: yes any other questions Me: yes how do I work at the unemployme

   Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

   I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

   I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

   True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

   wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no

   the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

   I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

   Two mass shootings in just over a week. Sure signs that the US is reopening and recovering from the pandemic.

   I accidentally ruined my wife's Chic record. I hope she doesn't freak out.

   On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

   Getting old is trying to decide whether to roll to your right or roll to your left after getting the dog’s ball from under the couch

   I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

   I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.