Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care who they elect Pope just as long as I can keep drinking, gambling and having unprotected sex!

   Facebook = Poor mans therapist...

   If they can't elect a Pope in a week they should declare Overtime...and just play ROCK BIBLE SCISSORS

   In other news from Rome, the Italian police were tipped about a major pedophile ring gathering on the outskirts of Rome....Oh crap! It's the papal conclave. Nothing to do about that....yet!

   my money is on the Kenyan Cardinal in the Pope race!!

   Lets elect a black pope! Said no Catholic ever.....

   Breaking News: Jesus being charged with manslaughter after Oklahoma woman let him take the wheel resulting in a head on collision.

   Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner? No? Me neither.

   Dear pro athletes. It doesn't matter how big your contract is, in 5 years you'll be just as bankrupt...

   Sip hits the fan: Big Gulp 1, Bloomberg 0

   I won employee of the month!!!.... again! I love being self employed.

   It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o'clock.

   Dennis Rodman is visiting the Vatican as it elects a new pope. This doesn't sound good.

   How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? LOL don't be funny, feminists can't change anything.

   After mating, the female praying mantis kills and eats the male. I guess she figured it's easier to get life insurance instead of fighting for child support from him later.

   His 'holiness'?? It seems Catholics have more love and respect for the Pope than they do for Jesus.

   Error 404: Hugo Chavez Not Found

   I don't know how to live, I'm just improvising from day to day.

   Nicki Minaj's stylists must be exhausted from finding new and creative ways to hide her enormous camel toe.

   I'm white, but I'm not... Wait. "Friends" is on. I'll finish this joke later.