Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Whenever someone tells me & a friend to "get a room," we DO get a room, make tender love & send Mr. or Mrs. Jerkface a thank you note.

   Relax people, they made holograms of Tupac, Dick Clark can still appear on New Years Eve.

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   I wish more parents let kids choose their own names. Then everyone would just be named Spiderman or Ariel or Fruit Rollup.

   If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.

   When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

   Can we just be honest about something: when is ziti ever not baked?

   Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.

   I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.

   I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

   A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.

   Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 200 facebook followers as dependents?

   "At least you're not the lady who got her face eaten by the monkey." - My response to anyone who ever complains about anything

   Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.

   When a woman asks for your opinion, they don't want to hear your opinion, they want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice.

   "You're so vain. You probably think this universe is about you." (Carly Sagan)