Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   It's amazing how quickly a MILF becomes a MILL (Mom I'd Like to Leave)

   I think most of Adele's songs are about a cheeseburger.

   If you don't JUMP OUT OF YOUR SEAT at "Streaks on the China..." from the Mr. Belvedere theme song, then get the Heck out of America.

   V@gina jokes are not funny at all. Period.

   It's weird that our sex parts are also our poopoo peepee parts.

   If having the moves like Jagger entails prancing around like an electrocuted chicken then no, I do not have the moves like Jagger

   i get called "insane" at least four times a day by both real and imaginary people.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths

   Why should I waste 5.99 on a bottle of stool softener when I can just do it by hand?

   The only time I get name-dropped is in games of "Would You Rather".

   Are you kidding me? I hope Madonna has a wardrobe malfunction during the Super Bowl halftime show. I know it sounds sick, but I'd like to see her dong.

   Cleft chins are just face camel toes.

   Lazy fact #254946156, You were too lazy to read that number

   I am in no way, shape or form mature enough to read the headline, "Prince William Saves Seamen."

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. Which is awesome, because I was just starting to think that there aren't NEARLY enough Kardashians

   There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums. I am just saying...

   I eat p~55y with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facef@(ks jars of honey.

   My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.

   I'm not saying I'm out of shape, but following a brisk hike down the stairs to the fridge I just sweated out Vince Vaughn holding a bottle of bourbon.

   I can only get sexually aroused if Ben Affleck is playing with animal crackers on my stomach.