Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apart from paying bills and feeling tired all the time, adulthood is not that great.

   Due to recent developments in the love market, my emotional trust funds are temporarily frozen.

   If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

   Your opinion of me is not as important as my opinion of me.

   The first rule of Culture Club is, 1) Do you really want to hurt me?

   My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.

   If you're one of those people that talk about your "haters," odds are I hate you too..

   Apparently evolution decided tails were useless, but nipples on men made sense.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it .

   My BEST ever fart,, was the one that made my Grandmother turn round and say "Robert? Who's Robert?"

   "I bet you're the kinda girl who likes the strong, silent type, aren't you?" ~ best way to announce passing gas in an office setting while avoiding sexual harassment charges ツ

   Taylor Swift: Relationships Are Like Traffic Lights … Maybe I’ll Be Single Forever.

   It's a thankless job, but apparently I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

   Ladies; Go bra less, it takes the wrinkles out of your face!

   When Billy Joel is singing "I Don't Want Clever Conversation I Want You Just The Way You Are". Is he replying that she's stupid?

   I resent the term alcoholic, I prefer the term spiritual.

   April showers bring May flowers. And May flowers bring...pilgrims!!!

   I skip the ads on free apps so fast they could be for free crack and I wouldn't know it!!

   Fellas, if you're wondering if the carpets match the drapes.....there is no carpet.

   It's not considered an accessory if your Chihuahua is prettier than you are.