Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey John Mayer sorry you recently went through a breakup. Here, listen to this John Mayer song to help get you through it.

   I got a verbal restraining order from the Costco sample lady. Apparently I can't be within 50 ft of a sample cart anymore.

   If what I just did in that Koreatown restaurant bathroom gets back to Kim Jong-un,, we're all doomed

   Yeah,, I've tried boxers before,, but everytime I ran, it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants..

   ProTip: Get hoarders addicted to crack,,, they'll sell off all their crap.......... Boom, problem solved.

   In Criminal Court, You See Bad People at Their Best; In Family Court, You See Good People at Their Worst

   I just read that the thoughts in our heads that we tell ourselves are actually things we were told as a young child that we have taken as truth... Dear grandkid… you are smart & amazing & you are going to buy yr Gramma chocolate everyday when she gets o

   This North Korea situation is turning into the slowest Bond movie ever.

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking.

   "All guys are the same!" Well you should know, You tried them all!!

   Hey ladies complaining about not getting asked out: Don't be so stuck up. Put your number on the men's room wall like the rest of us.

   It's time for "Team America 2" to be released featuring Kim Jong Un...

   Do you like dragons? Because I'll be dragon my balls across your face.

   My wife has always wanted me to learn to dance. I think I'll learn twerking...

   I gotta go to work and I can't find my hand basket!

   When a Chick inboxes me, I take 3 weeks to respond to it. That'll fu*k her Ego up!

   I drop most of my money on wine, women and song. What's left gets spent foolishly.

   you aren't single because of your high standards. You're single because you're fugly...

   Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push!

   When people don't know what's going on in your life they SPECULATE....When they think they know...they FABRICATE...AND when they do know.......they just HATE