Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thought it was real sweet that my daughter gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

   it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

   I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

   You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

   Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

   i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

   You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you

   Hearing those four little words always makes my day. “Your order just shipped.”

   I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

   Are 3-year-olds dishwasher safe?

   It’s okay to eat your driver’s license even if it’s been expired for a week.

   In the spirit of Mother's Day, the worst mother ever has to be Donsld Trump's mother.

   But Donald Trump is greater than Jesus Christ! If you don't think that, then you're nothing but a traitorous RINO!!!!

   Donald Trump is no longer president. If you're still talking about him, then it sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession with Trump but ok.

   I kicked my five-year old son out of the house because he didn't want to worship Trump. How dare he not want to worship the man who is greater than Jesus Christ. I have no son!!!

   Old Louie shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, 'crushed nuts'? 'No, miss', he replied ... arthritis."

   New Lockdown laws...Screw child labour laws. Going to gather up the neighbourhood kids and build an ARK....actually scratch that, lumber pricing is ridiculous...going to build a Death Star.

   It amazing how much people LeBron James has triggered for his common sense views. I wish I had his talents.

   Accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. Shestill isn't talking to me.

   Sent x-rays instead of pictures.... because it's what's inside that counts.