Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last year my friend left for Paris to go to Mime school and was never heard from again...

   I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

   This coming Wednesday, the groundhog's 6 week weather forecast will once again claim 100% accuracy while your local TV meteorologist's 5 day forecast will hover at its usual 1%.

   35% of your Facebook friends see your posts. Less than 1% react or comment. These stats don't apply to females who post swimsuit pics or b00bs. They're at 100%.

   whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

   Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chunky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

   Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

   You know we took a wrong turn somewhere when the first thing that comes to mind is the confederate flag, when we think of Texas.

   My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

   The same people who are pushing "Pregnant Men Emoji's" are canceling you for "Misinformation."

   It's so cold, tonight I got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches...

   New Spotify subscription: Crosby Stills Nash & Rogan

   It's a contest to see which one can can outnumber the other: Covid variants or Rocky films.

   Neil Young: So woke that he canceled himself.

   Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

   Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

   What do Beer producers bother with an expiration date. Who are we kidding?

   Unless the car you are driving is a Lamborghini Murcielago, then, no, your other car is not the Batmobile.

   If gas prices keep going up I’m cutting off the bottom of my car and I’m “Flintstoning it"