Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   THAT MOMENT: When the cop car that just pasts you makes a U-turn, you begin to wonder where your car papers at.....

   My heart's not broken; it's just under construction. Fines will be doubled.

   Internal Revenge Service

   ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling

   The new legal DUI limit is .05, but if you're dyslexic, the limit is 50.

   Every time you refresh your timeline less than 5 minutes after checking it, it should say "Maybe you should try making friends"

   First rule of the women's club: listen to us. No no, respect us. Wait no, love us for our mind. Hmm no...I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.

   Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."

   I am afraid to make eye contact with women who shave their eyebrows off and draw them back on.

   According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...

   Girls, if you don't look like a Victoria's Secret Angle, don't expect us to care what you think about what we look like.

   What do you call a woman with no gag reflex>>>>>>>>>Wife!

   Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels.

   Rosetta Stoned: When you get so high you think you can speak a different language

   Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.

   I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.

   WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)

   You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you.

   The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."