Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

   When I see someone in the 20 items or less lane, who's buggy contains over 50 items, I'm often tempted to reach and throw each and every item as far as humanly possible while counting aloud, each one!

   how do I break this vicious cycle of paying my own way and get free $hit from the gov't??

   I only work out to stay just skinnier than the guy at the bar next to me...

   People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you're married...that's a job!!

   Indecent Proposal: Movie-1993 A billionaire offers a married couple a million dollars if he can spend one night with the wife. Indecent Proposal 2013: A billionaire offers me a million dollars if I can stay off facebook for one night.

   I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.

   There have been more collect calls in history on Father's Day than on any other day of the year.

   I wish people who say "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would stay in Vegas.

   You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.

   JAB, I've declared myself to be totally insane, what's your excuse. . .

   I may be way off here but I suspect there is a correlation between your failure to get a descent job and the dumb tattoos all over your neck and face.

   I think the most exciting part about morning $ex is when the couple turns on the light and they finally see me.

   Its not about how many friends you have. Its about how many of your friends you can rely on in times of trouble.

   Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!

   Advice for the ladies: Skip the boob tattoo. That cute little tiger you get will someday turn into a giraffe.

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don't come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.

   Any of you lottery playing dumba$$es actually know a single person who's won more than they've wasted?? I didn't think so...

   OJ Simpson is back in court. He's gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife.