Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   So when does "Kris Humphries Nightmare Divorce" begin shooting?

   Don't worry and stress too much over material things. Material things are good to have but they aren't everything. Have you ever seen anyone stuff a Bentley or a mansion in their casket and take it to Heaven?

   I don't have a short temper; I just have a quick reaction to bullsh!t.

   Maybe fake people will pretend to be real on Halloween.

   A pastor was caught by a fellow church member breaking into a church safe. The pastor shouted, “Blessed are those who see no evil, hear no evil and tell no evil” The fellow church member replied, "Amen, for they shall receive their equal share"

   I shall open my own deli and my slogan will be: "No one beats my meat!"

   Ladies: If he is only interested in your breasts, legs and thighs send him to KFC. Don't be his value meal.

   Somewhere out there, someone is lying in the wet spot right now.

   On his girlfriend's birthday, a guy took her to the car sale. Pointing at a tomato red BMW, he says, "Happy birthday honey! You see that red car? I bought you nail polish in the same colour”.

   Why do men chose to mess with a lot of mediocre women when they can have ONE great one? I guess Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) excite them.

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $10. Guess who got his car washed?

   I don't have a drinking problem. I have a drinking passion.

   Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have Money.

   My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.

   That rather uneasy moment when you are walking with your girl and you see a lesbian with a chick hotter than yours.

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space

   Irony of a woman – she spends hours putting on makeup, exotic perfume, expensive jewellery and outfit but when people finally look at her the first thing they say, "Wow nice a$$"

   DAUGHTER : “I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.” DAD: “How is he going to take care of you when he doesn't even have a job?” DAUGHTER: “Dad, I am only reading the letter left by Mom.”

   When a woman doesn't cry over you anymore, it means another man is making her smile.

   Don't take it personal, if they don't know you personally.