Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.

   We fear that which we do not understand. And spiders.

   I'm confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?

   Look, I don’t even trust myself so explain to me why in the hell I should trust you?

   Unless your name is OXYGEN, I won't die if you ever leave me.

   This bar is the perfect rest stop during the long walk home from the liquor store.

   sarc my second favorite asm

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   If love had a smell, it would smell like pizza & puppy breath.

   Hey black guy with the geek hipster glasses, say hello to the white guy with dreadlocks.

   I don't understand why people spend so much money on dieting when you can just get lost for 3 weeks in a forest for free

   Dear Vegetarians, if you really want to save the animals then stop eating their food...

   If husbands get riding lawn mowers why haven't they invented the riding vacuum? I have just as much carpet as we do yard. He tells me we have too much yard for a push mower so it only stands to reason that we have to much carpet for me to push vacuum! RIG

   Million dollar idea: Combine a vacuum and a Segway.

   A good way to build strength is to practice with heavy gauge air strings on your air guitar.

   so powerful that a single one of my pubic hairs could shut down an entire restaraunt for a week!

   My Ex-Wife once asked me to name a star after her...Fugly-McWh0re-B!t ch is the brightest star in the sky!!!

   How much will the $590 million Powerball winner pay in taxes? The IRS says they won't know until they learn if she's a Republican or a Democrat.

   Please stop inviting me to play CANDY CRUSH I'm type 2 Diabetic & I'm watching my sugar!!!

   I don't care what people say, Little Bunny Foo Foo was a bully to field mice!!!