Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   I dont know whats more annoying, hot chicks who won't shut up about how ugly they are or ugly girls who won't shut up about how hot they are.

   G ay guys and black women win the eye rolling contest!

   I may not be great at math but your lies just don't add up.

   I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.

   Faith by definition is: "Believing in things without evidence", but personally I don't do that..... because I'm not an idiot.

   WOW Justin Bieber has signed up to fly into space!.... On an unrelated subject... Does anyone know how to sabotage a spaceflight?

   To feel more relaxed I go to my job interviews naked. I tell the guy "just picture me in a three piece suit and you'll feel less nervous."

   Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.

   "Where is it? Oh there it is. Where'd it go? I can't see it. Is that the puck? Oh there it is...wait, lost it again." - me, watching hockey

   <---just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box!!

   Sometimes I'll scream out "FACEBOOK WH0RE"!!!!! in the middle of the mall just to see how many of you are out there.

   Pop a molly? Why don't some of you hoes start poppin birth control.

   If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.

   What if your giving a guy a bj in the shower and he starts shampooing and conditioning your hair.

   If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bltch up and wear it.

   Walk🚶🚶🚶 pass old Friends and Ex's..... .....Like I never knew them.✌✋✋😒

   Kittens FB page has more likes than God's FB page...

   The term "swag" was invented in the 60s by a group of gay men as an acronym for "Secretly We Are Gay." No wonder Justin Bieber thinks he has so much of it.

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her... immediately!!!!