Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You call it "stalking"... I call it "giving you the attention you deserve"...

   "Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."

   Religion is like tequila; relatively harmless, but excessive quantities will make you do stupid things.

   what if aliens have already invaded and once they take over your body, they force you to take pictures of yourself doing the duckface and post in on Facebook...

   "We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight around here." - Corporate ants.

   have you ever stood in front of the mirror and said to yourself "who the hell is this person? and then suddenly realize you're standing in front of a coffee shop window staring at a cop...

   I'm here to kick ass and mispronounce names.

   Damn girl are you the new Superman movie? Cause I have no interest in seeing you.

   I'm not shy around women. I'm realistic.

   I'm a grown ass man. I don't play childish games. School was over for me a long time ago. Be honest, be true or be gone.

   Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.

   If on Father's day you don't post a picture of your dad carrying you as a baby, I'm not sure you really "love" him.

   WTF........... Just saw a duck smiling at me like a Facebook girl

   Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I just lie down until it goes away...

   I hope Stanley doesn't get mad when the Bruins take his cup again.

   I'm not lost. I'm just exploring different ways of reaching nowhere.

   I have failed to remove all the jellies. I have shamed myself, and my ancestors.

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulimic, and Malnourished."

   i'm giving up dryer sheets for lint

   If someone hates you for no apparent reason give them one.