Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a pretty good person when you never get to know me.

   You know you don't have to show your breasts on the Internet, sometimes leaving something to the imagination is just as sexy.

   "I hate Tacos!" Said no Juan ever

   I like to welcome visitors to my home with a warm, and sincere 'Goodbye'.

   The amount of times I've tried to stick my key in other people's locks just to see if it fits is probably the reason I wasn't given a d*ck

   Does your family have a history of stupidity or is it just you?

   Ben Bernanke has a wanke and the whole world smiles!

   I got 0 problems and denial is one!

   In hell, for your birthday, they give you socks in a PS4 box.

   I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them...

   Why are 3 of the 4 judges on America's Got Talent foreigners??

   Lets change the name of Americas Got Talent to America Will Watch Anything.

   Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change

   Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.

   You're not stupid, You're just an exceptionally gifted monkey.

   You should send every tweet like its your last...and the rest of us will pray that it is.

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my statuses but never liking any of them

   My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

   The first rule of plagiarism club looks familiar

   apparently this dude Miller was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude my bad.