Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.

   We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.

   If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.

   Ironically it's the things people don't say that tell you everything you need to know.

   Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...

   Men and women react to pain in different ways. If a man is hurt he'll try hard to conceal it from his friends, and look to his woman for sympathy. If a woman is hurt she'll suffer in silence, and tell everyone.

   I'm beginning to think these 'bored housewives' I'm seeing in pop-up ads are lying. I've had several come to my house and not one of them would cook.

   I should do my own TV series........... Man vs Drink

   I organized an office party at work today. It was a great laugh, until my boss unexpectedly walked in.

   Now that Fall is here, do you think all the teenage girls with duck-faces will fly South for the winter?

   Farts are always funny, except the wet ones, those are only funny when it happens to someone else.

   One of the women I work with said she doesn't feel like being bothered today so she's just going to leave the tampon wrapper right on top of my desk.

   I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.

   I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.

   When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.

   I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."

   MiO is the best invention ever. I keep a red colored one on my desk now and no one bats an eye when I drink this vodka and cranberry at work anymore.

   I was just charged 8 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwich. I blew my rape whistle in the waiters face.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   Maybe I should be Tony Romo for Halloween so kids can intercept candy that I pass out.