Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".

   Remember the last rule of Fight Club is, "Most importantly: have fun!"

   Just had a Popsicle and the riddle was: "Q: What's purple and cold and filled with the spit of underpaid Popsicle writers?"

   We forget that it was Ben Franklin who said fish and guests smell after three days, and that Ben Franklin was a notorious guest murderer.

   If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Everybody else, write a novel about your childhood.

   I think a funny thing to do is call "How's My Driving" numbers on the backs of trucks and yell, "Well for starters GET OFF THE PHONE!"

   Struggling with Impostor Syndrome a lot lately. I guess I just need to relax, take a breath, and remind myself that my father was the Czar.

   My coworkers don't engage me in a lot of water cooler chit-chat, but it may be because my favorite topic is "water cooler spigot bacteria."

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.

   Time for you children of the 80s to feel old. Sheena Easton turns 53 yesterday. Think about that while you are on the morning train.

   I have a confession to make to all the rappers out there: I waved my hands in the air and I cared a little bit.

   My son just did something so terrible in his diaper that it has shaken my belief in God

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

   Just once I would like to see an ultimate fighting montage set to Olivia Newton John's song Physical.

   20 years later, members of Bell Biv Devoe are still adamant about not trusting a big butt and a smile.

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.

   Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.

   A study found that trying on swimsuits made women feel objectified. Having a researcher in the changing room probably didn't help either.

   I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.