Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.

   This heat makes people do crazy things... Like talk to me.

   There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them.

   Your opinion does not require anyone else's to be valid...

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?

   The day is too short for all the mistakes I have to make.

   I forgot who treyvon martin is already, please dont ruin my KFC's and Popeyes.

   70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk tou your doctor about Cymbalta.

   Just ate a bag of Aquitals. I mean Skittles!!

   I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.

   My Daughter asked if I wanted to have a tea party, so I yelled at her & her dolls for 2 hours about how I don't want to pay taxes anymore.

   Sometimes I like to go to Applebee's,,, and give them money not to bring me any food.

   If you only see one movie this summer, I suggest seeing more. Movies are great.

   JAB: Going to listen to the Rocky theme and work out, well maybe just listen to the theme for some inspiration and think about when I use to work out. . .

   My daughter doesn't look like me, but she acts like me, we both cry when we don't get breast fed.

   The fishin was so bad the mosquitos weren't even biting

   Breaking news: Obama to hire George Zimmerman as the new director of Homeland security.

   More people saw Grown Ups 2 than Pacific Rim. This, plus the verdict, sums up America.

   The American Justice system was ruined the day they started to allow cameras in the courtroom.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS; There is Rioting in the Watermelon Fields and Looting at the KFC'S and POPEYE'S CHICKENS In Florida over night due to George Zimmerman being found "NOT GUILTY"...