Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho. It's off to work I go. I'll make some shills to pay my bills, Heigh-ho Heigh-ho.

   Although he was not a biologist, Roy Orbison was still able to write "Pretty Woman."

   “The cemetery is full of people who thought they could change themselves tomorrow.”

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho!

   For Halloween, I think I'm going to dress up as Dumbledore or some other kind of grand wizard.

   The difference between fiction novels and the Bible, is that the authors of fiction novels acknowledge it's fiction.

   Cigarette warning: Governments are bad for your health...

   Hate your job? No problem! There's a support group for that... at the bar!

   Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

   My good status messages are in my other pants.

   Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

   Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

   Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction

   I think Presidential elections should be quick.... not wait until November.... If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   2020 ~ 2022 Written by Stephen King, Directed by Quinten Tarantino, Soundtrack by Yoko Ono.

   You are the carbon they want to reduce.

   “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford

   People should have to pass a sense of humor test before they’re allowed on social media.

   Inadvertently just signed off a work email, “should you have any questions, please don’t. Hesitate to ask.” I’m sticking with it.