Funny Status Messages

   Bank account: $1401.23 Me at the car dealership: where are the f350 platinums

   Stop selling family farms to build cheap spec home subdivisions.

   By the time I have a kid everyone else’s kids gon be 15😭

   Them cicis brownies with the sprinkled cocaine on top so f**king g fire

   My son ain’t gonna have to sneak no hoes in. Bring them bi**ches in son

   don’t invite me to your crib if you got fake oreos. WTF is “Creme Betweens”

   When you both say goodnight & run into each other at the bar 😭

   WELP, ANOTHER DAY I DIDN’T USE a²+b²=c²

   I gotta stay off indeed .. I got a interview at 5:30 to be a pastor

   Johnny Depp could have avoided this entire mess if he had simply issued an Amber alert.

   A Facebook friend posted a photo of her and her sisters. I asked her if it was a Weight Watchers meeting....... Apparently we're no longer friends.

   In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. In the middle of opportunity lies me, taking a nap.

   eah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it, so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

   I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before.

   The parking lot at Clown College only has one space.

   “Do you moan or cuss?” Depends on how good the food is, usually both.

   Playing truth of dare and they dare you to go home.

   Tell your friends you love them. Tell them a lot. Make it weird.

   Sleep hits different when you’re not supposed to be sleeping.

   You’re lying if you say you’ve never let a game controller vibrate on your crotch.