StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates

   What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.

   Why did the snowman smile? Cause the snowblower was coming.

   I'm going to walmart in a few minutes....does this belt look OK with these sweat pants?

   If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?

   Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.

   Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.

   Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It's so fun to watch them freak out!

   How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.

   Let's have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   Cell phones ruined pushing people into pools

   I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away

   When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint

   Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?"

   I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.

   Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the a$$hole for tripping him??

   “Don't drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly! “

   Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"