Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is going to be a non-labor day

   To all of you expecting Mothers.....happy Labor Day.....

   Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so..... Now help me load this drum kit.

   Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

   Whenever I see an old couple holding hands, lost in eachother's eyes, I feel good, because I bet I could totally take them both if I had to.

   How do I jailbreak my e-cig?

   Remember when mambo 5 came out with the retina display? It made the mambo 4S look like CRAP........... good times

   Hey,, just drank so much Gatorade, I could literally kick a basketball right now, or however sports work or whatever

   FYI: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

   I bet if you look up "dictionary" in the dictionary,, it just says "this."

   If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

   Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

   Dear Jesus, what’s up bro. Please don’t let Ben Affleck mess up Batman. Please dude. I need this. Oh, and like peace in Syria or whatever.

   I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that's my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .

   I don't mind if we invade Syria as long as the President is out in front leading the charge.

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   Baghdad / Done , Damascus / Under Process - Cairo / Next

   When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.

   I don't objectify women but I do womanify objects. Namely this sexy ass toaster over here. Hey, girl.