Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when my sock puppets fight... Cuz I don't have a free hand to break them up.

   Lord, it's me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?

   Really smart Jehovah witnesses follow the FedEx Truck and pizza delivery man on Saturdays.

   Never mix Vi@gra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.

   If Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus were both drowning at the same time.....what kind of sandwich would you make

   Thank God Zimmerman's wife and father-in-law weren't wearing a Hoodie and didn't have any Skittles on them!

   Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you're job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.

   I just explained Google images to my mom. "Pick anything to search for..." I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked... "Except that." I replied

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

   If I had a dollar for every time I've had sex, I'd be a really affordable prostitute.

   In 10 years time people who currently like Miley, Bieber, Lady Gaga and One Direction will make decisions about your health care. Sleep well.

   Behind every fat man, there is a woman. Frying and stuff.

   If Monday was a person it would be a fat ginger girl who likes horses and tells the teacher when you cheat.

   A Jehovah witness closely follows opportunity,hides behind it and waits for it to knock on your door.

   What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.

   When you say lazy, you mean regular lazy or Wolverine lazy? THAT MAN HAS BLADES IN HIS FREAKING KNUCKLES AND STILL DOESN'T SHAVE REGULARLY!

   Imagine how much more seriously Jesus would've been taken if he rode around on a stallion and not a donkey.