Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Filled up my Escalade and paid my taxes today. Also, I have a kidney for sale.

   Does anyone have any cool new ideas for grifting? My net worth is actually a negative number.

   I was playing Bonopoly today. It's kinda like Monopoly, but the streets have no name.

   Word on the street is, Cookie Monster has tested positive for COVID. It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

   Truth Social has been a bigger bust than 'I Heart Huckabee'.

   As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.

   Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

   Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

   We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

   Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why I can not watch Breaking Bad.

   Does anyone know if you can declare Congress and the Senate as dependents when filing taxes this year?

   You had me at “I hate everyone too.”

   Checked my media account and nobody cares that I went shopping. That’s okay karma will get them.

   What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness.

   Girls are like strawberries, sometimes they’re at the grocery store.

   Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up.

   Welcome to social media… A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

   If you watch my life backwards, I’m a weight watchers success story.

   At the end of the day we are all human beans and together we will rice. Lettuce pray, ramen.